A couple of years ago my family enjoyed a wonderful vacation
to the stunning Grand Mayan resort in Nuevo, Mexico. I was continually amazed at how healing it
felt to be there. The cleanliness, the
order, and the extreme beauty all added to my comfort.
In the early mornings I would run along the beach, and
wondered at the number of workers that were out combing the beach, leveling
rocks, cleaning pools, and straightening chairs. It was obvious where they had already been
and where they still needed to go.
Through the night order had been disrupted and things that seemed
perpetually clean had become dirty simply by existing.
Did this make the location ugly? No, but it was easy to see that it would be a
mess if left unattended! Work was needed
to keep the resort the relaxing place of comfort the vacationers expected.
As y’all know… last month my daughter married her
best friend. I have never seen her so
happy, content and beautiful. It was the
perfect day.
Watching her reminded me of the blissfully happy days when
my husband and I were newlywed. We were
in love and that love felt like paradise!
Over the years, however, life happens.
Sometimes there are giant waves that crash on our shore that disturb our
paradise. Sometimes there is dirt and
grime that builds up in our marriage because we are not staying on top of
keeping it cleaned out.
Like all marriages, sometimes there is trouble in our
paradise.
John Gottman, PhD, in his book, “The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work” tells us what can take a perfectly good marriage and turn
it upside down.
Gottman says, “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to
run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen
clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: Criticism,
Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.” These things separate us from the one we love.
Criticism can easily sneak into relationships.
President Gordon B. Hinckley often spoke about the need to restrain
from criticizing.
In his talk, “Charity Never Faileth,” President Hinckley
said, “There is rampant among us a spirit of criticism. Perhaps it is a part of the age in which we
live… Men and women who carry heavy
responsibility do not need criticism, they need encouragement… I would plead
with you…to restrain your tongues in criticism of others. It is easy to find fault. It is so much nobler to speak
constructively.”
Gottman suggests the best way to protect a marriage is by
being friends. Most people are forgiving
of their friend’s shortcomings. They see
past them or have little things they do to get past disagreements.
If we all took President Hinckley’s advice, our
relationships could bring comfort and healing.
Speaking constructively rather than critically helps keep the beaches of
our marriage combed, leveled, straightened and tidy. Then day to day as well as
when we need it most, our marriages of love and friendship can be healing.
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