Soaring through Bushes...

My married daughter and her husband came home for father’s day weekend.  They requested that we go four wheeling. 

Great idea!

They were willing to share a machine since they are newlyweds.  Who wants to split up the cute newlyweds?!  

No one! 

So, our morning was spent enjoying the fresh mountain air, drenching each other from the sprays of gigantic puddles, and assisting as we went through tight places. 

The views were amazing from the top of the mountain!  Such beauty!  Such magnificence!  Truly, God’s creations are wonderful and we were enjoying every minute of our time in them.

Half-way through the day, however, our focus changed.

My daughter drove herself, her new husband, and the four-wheeler off a 50’ cliff.  Hearing the crash then subsequent silence, I leaped off my machine and ran to the area where their tire tracks left the trail.

The cliff was steep and the brush was thick.  At first I could not see anything, not a hint of them below.  I had no ropes, no tools, no first-aid, but nothing was going to stop me from finding them.

Calling their names loudly, I began my decent.  Eventually I saw tires, but that was all.  My focus was fixed on getting down the cliff to my kids … until - oh be still my soul- 

I heard the best words in the world.  “Mom, we are okay!”

This experience reminds me of marriage. In America, most weddings bring much anticipation, work and planning.  The soon to wed couples are amazed with one other.  Each finds beauty and wonder in their partner.  Once they are married, they begin enjoying the ride.  Yet the ride is different for each couple. Some see glorious views right from the start.  Others immediately begin getting mud on them.  Maybe they were sharp with their beloved after coming home from a long day of school and work.  Some splash in puddles of teasing and making rude remarks about their spouse on purpose, while others it is a complete accident.  Some couples find themselves in the tight squeezes of schooling, finances, budgeting and even with intimacy, needing friends and family to teach them how remove obstacles so they can move forward.  Fear sinks in to every heart who loves a couple who has left the path and flown into dangerous unknown places. 

Sean Brotherson, in his article “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage” asserts that we fly into dangerous places in our marriages through four things, “Ignorance, Inhibition, Ill-will, and Immorality.”  Brotherson also suggests that we have a stewardship to overcome our ignorance about all facets of our marriage, to get over our inhibitions, change our ill-will, and of course, stay far from immorality.

My momma always said “Marriage is the Lord’s university.”  I couldn’t agree more.  Marriage requires partners to create a life-long willingness to learn about our companion, prepare for stages ahead together, promote the best part of our beloved, and relying on the Savior as we surrender the challenges to Him.

Back to our cliff-hangers… knowing that Cal and Liss  would return and help as soon as they realized we were not behind them, I proceeded toward my babies (They may be adults and married, but they will always be my babies!).

Reaching them I saw their scrapes, their bruises, pulled pine needles out of their hair, and took in the upside-down four wheeler on top of a rotted out old tree.  They had hit the tree on the way down and it had gently laid them safely on the ground. 

Eventually we were able to right the machine, get it running again, find a way to get it and all of us out of the canyon.  By then, the day was done and we were ready to get home so we could rest on the Sabbath.  

As I always say - All is well that ends well!

The ultimate moral of this story to me is this:  If we rely on Christ and His atoning sacrifice, He will give us a safe landing just as the ol' tree did, then He will set about healing our “scrapes” and “bruises” and we will come out of that experience wiser than we were before.

Before the River

The river.

I love walking to the river in the evenings.  The picture at the top of my blog is just taken from the section of river just down the street from my house. 

Watching the sun close the day while on those walks usually add to the already amazing display of God’s artistic talents while talking over the events of the day or those coming up.

Tonight seemed like a perfect night for that kind of walk, so I asked Cal to go with me.  He accepted then disappeared to pull some weeds while I finished cleaning the kitchen.

As I am looking for him, all I can find are his muck-boots.  He seems to be missing… until I hear voices around the other side of our flower gardens.

There I found him FLOATING in our small irrigation ditch in front of our property. AND he was playing some sort of game with our neighbor boys!

What a funny thing for a 6’2” grown man to be doing! Except that it is him and he loves a dip in cold water on hot days and playing with little kids. 

I was reminded that this was one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  He knows how to create fun out of nothing and plays with kids in the most creative way.

River walk forgotten, I enjoy the creative ditch play for a few minutes.  When he has decided that he needed to send the boys home dripping wet to their fabulous mother, I had to give him a hug and kiss and tell him how much I admired him for the cute way he is with kids and appreciated the things he does to make children happy.

Admiration and appreciation is one of the six things that Dr. Gottman suggests in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”.  Dr. Gottman has six things that are included in his Magic Six Hours that couples should do daily.

·        Partings – spend 2 minutes per day learning one thing that will happen in your spouse’s life that day.

·        Reunions – (This one makes me laugh) Dr. Gottman suggests a hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds when you meet back up at the end of the day.  Does anyone have a stop-watch handy?  My husband is coming home and We have to have our six second reunion! Although I may laugh about it, we are the first to recognize we can get in a routine of either a quick peck or no affection at all.  Maybe we will have to give this “six second kiss” a try— stop-watch style, of course!

·        Affection – show each other some form of affection throughout the day and end with a minimum of a goodnight kiss to get rid of those little irritations we might have from the day. I love how Dr. Gottman puts this.  He says, “In other words, lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness”. 

·        Weekly Date – This seems so obvious to me because I have heard for years that couples should have a weekly date night.  When we were engaged, we couldn’t get enough time together.  Sometimes it is easy to find ourselves putting everything else in our lives ahead of our companions.

·        State of the Union Meeting – Dr. Gottman suggests holding a regular time each week (other than date night) when we spend one hour to talk about our relationship.  Dr. Gottman also gives suggestions throughout his book on how to make difficult conversation topics easier.

Have you tried any of these “Magic Six” things on a regular basis with your spouse?  

How has it affected your relationship?  

This would surely make my river walks even better!

When I was growing up, every year about February or March, my momma used to always tell me, “There are two things you can always count on… taxes and death.” 

The older I get, the more I understand the truth of that simple phrase.  However, there is something else that everyone can count on experiencing. Conflict.

Do you know anyone who has such a perfect life where there is no conflict in their life or in their relationships?  If there is, I suggest you get to know them better.  

We simply don’t know them well enough to see the difficulties they are experiencing. 

Some experience problems with health ailments.  Perhaps some experience time so they simply cannot fit everything into their day they are choosing to put into it.  Many have financial problems.

Maybe the most common conflict occurs in our closest relationships. 

Friends, parents, siblings, children, and couples all experience conflict at some point and when they do I usually wonder at some point why someone I love so much could also disagree with or misunderstand me so frequently.  I find it most defeating when confronting an ongoing conflict with my husband.

In the “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” book that I have been reading lately, Dr. Gottman tells me a key to why we have the conflicts we have in our relationship. 

Gottman says, “Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values.  So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense.  Too often couples feel mired in conflict or distance themselves from each other as a protective device…All marital conflicts…fall into one of two categories:  either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual.”  

Gottman goes one to say that his research shows that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual and unsolvable.

Let me say that again… Sixty-nine percent of conflicts are not solvable!!

On the surface this seems ridiculously high when we are supposed to be having loving relationships, however Gottman assures that even with so many unsolvable problems we can have happy marriages.

Loving does not necessarily equal agreeing.

What is loving?  It is perpetuating positive relationships by…

·       Marrying someone who has problems you can deal with.
·        Understanding that difficulties are inevitable in every relationship.
·        Caring deeply about making your spouse’s life better.
·        Forgiving them for their weaknesses and find ways to work around those weaknesses.
·        Using positive humor to get out of disagreements.

·        Did I say forgiving?  Yes, a healthy dose of forgiving each and every day and being willing to find common ground.

Here is one idea that works for my husband and I.  We are both project people.  Often conflicts seem smaller when we have a project we are working on together. 

Our recent project of refinishing our kitchen table and chairs is nearly complete.  Any suggestions for what we should do next?

Refinishing and Refining...

One of the best hobbies my husband enjoys is making wood furniture.  He has made several things for our home…planter boxes, decks, drawers, frames and tables.  He even recently made castle doors as a back drop to use at our daughter’s wedding reception.  

He loves wood, and to a woodworker, natural finishing is the only way to do it.

Oak is one of my least favorite woods when it is made into household furniture.  Because it is one of his favorites, we purchased several pieces in honey oak furniture when we bought our home.

My kitchen table and chairs have bothered me for almost 16 years!

Recently it occurred to me that I could refinish the table!  I love the painted and slightly distressed look, so I began researching how to get the look I wanted. 

Winning him over to the idea was a different story all together. Trusting a non-woodworker’s opinion made it all the more challenging for him.

The other day, he stopped resisting!  Even though he may have been simply resigned that he would end up purchasing a new table when I finished, he kindly helped me carry the table out to our shop and periodically checked in with me through the three day process.

It was a great day when he admitted it was turning out far better than he had expected! Imagine my pleasure to hear him say he actually liked it—even when I began doubting the results. 

Dr. Gottman’s book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” talks about this very thing.  He said his research showed that, “The happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision making with the wife.  When the couple disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way,”

To me, it was a sign of respect and that he valued me as a person when he did not stand in my way with something I really wanted to try.  Dr. Gottman says this not only helps the wife, but it actually helps the husband and the marriage indirectly.

Gottman shares, “The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic.  This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.”

Respecting and honoring one another can make all the difference!

Next project = the chairs!

Happy Trails to You...

Remote.

Desert.

Dry….And the best hiking right out your back door!

This is what my husband loves about the isolated little town he grew up in. 

This past week we spent some time with my husband’s family.  Living, growing up and visiting this remote desert play land, bush-whack hiking is a huge part of who my husband is and what his family stands for.

Hiking was fairly new to me when I married my husband.  It soon became apparent that for hiking to be enjoyable to me, I need a trail and to I know where I am going.  Most importantly, I enjoy hikes where I don’t have to watch every step so I can spend time observing the beautiful creations God made.

My type of hiking seems like a boring walk-in-the-park to my husband.  His type of hiking seems overly strenuous to me and I usually end up hurt in some way. 

The way I like to hike feels nice and refreshing to me.  To him, extreme hiking and going places where few people have been before fills an important emotional need in my husband.  When he has made it into an inaccessible place he is completely content, peaceful and happy.

Many times I have been guilty of neglecting this important emotional need.  I never get in the way of him going by himself, but rarely do I get excited about going with him.   

I recently read Dr. Gottman’s suggestions of how to fill our spouse’s emotional needs.  Here are a few.

1. Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went.

2. Shop for groceries. Make up the shopping list.

3. Cook dinner, bake.

4. Clean house, do laundry.

5. Shop together for gifts or clothes (for self, kids, or friends).

6. Go out (no kids) for brunch or dinner, or to your favorite haunt or bar.

7. Watch or read the news together.

8. Help each other with a self-improvement plan (e.g., a new class, weight loss, exercise, a new career).

9. Plan and host a dinner party.

10. Call and/ or think about each other during the workday.

Although hiking is not on the list, I realized that Gottman’s #1 “Reunite” could be done while hiking. 

During our family reunion we dropped into a slot canyon then bush-whacked our way out of the deep canyon.  

I relied on him to help me through tight rocks, over enormous boulders, around cactus ridden places, and to guide my path when I was sliding down slick dirt covered rocks.  

We saw long-abandoned Indian ruins left by cliff dwellers centuries ago.  We marveled at how those people survived in such a harsh environment.  We were enchanted by the tiny flowers that were attempting to grow in the heated desert.

After taking the Sabbath Day to recover, we continued our stress-reducing conversations while hiking in Goblin Valley. 

Zoom in and out and look all around this amazing desert in Calvin's panorama of the first section of Goblin Valley here. http://www.360cities.net/image/goblin-valley-floor-emery-county-utah-usa 

In his book, Seven Principles to Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman tells us, “…Vital stress reducers help you manage tensions outside your relationship.”

On our drive home, my husband told me that his imaginary bucket where we each keep our emotional needs had been filled up by the adventures we had together doing things he loves.

Tensions reduced = Mission accomplished!

References:

Gottman, John Phd; Silver, Nan. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (p. 95). Potter/TenSpeed/Harmony. Kindle Edition.